Congress Announces Daily Deal

A previously unknown joint committee of the United States Congress has recently announced plans for a program that could bring in $200 billion dollars to the US Treasury in just a single day. The new program is being undertaken in partnership with the daily deal website GroupOn. A spokesperson for the Super-Secret Committee explained the details of the offer,

“This new program will give GroupOn subscribers the opportunity to spend $70 for a voucher that can be redeemed next year for a new uncirculated $100 bill.  We realize that many GroupOn subscribers are accustomed to a typical savings of 50%, however because of countless uses for our product we believe that a savings of 30% will be enough of an inducement for most people.  We are very happy that we were able to negotiate terms with GroupOn that are more favorable than the ones they give to most merchants.  Because GroupOn recognizes the huge potential of this offer they have lowered their standard commission rate to only 30%.  This means that for every voucher we sell GroupOn will keep $21 and the US Treasury will get $49.  If we sell the entire 200 million vouchers we will make nearly 200 billion dollars in profit.  We realize that this is just a short-term fix to our deficit problems.  In March the 2012 currency will be ready for circulation.  We will then start redeeming the vouchers for brand new $100 bills.  If all the vouchers are redeemed we would have to payout 400 billion dollars.  That problem is over 3 months away and we are now working on a solution.  I can tell you that we have begun negotiations with LivingSocial to run a daily deal on their website early next year.  An offer on LivingSocial would help us raise the funds we will need to honor for the GroupOn vouchers.”

For most businesses the appeal of offering GroupOn vouchers is their ability to attract new customers.  According to a Treasury Department study 98.6% of Americans over the age of 18 are already familiar with US currency. In spite of that statistic the Super-Secret Committee believes that it can still find new customers for US currency.

“Selling vouchers to new customers will introduce US currency to people who were previously unfamiliar with our product.  When our new customers learn the convenience of using US currency we are confident that many of them will become regular users of our products.  Children are a large untapped market for US currency.  Making them aware of our product at a young age can create brand loyalty that should turn them into regular consumers of our whole line of products.   As part of our targeting to children we will be encouraging Grandparents to give vouchers as Christmas gifts.   The second group we are targeting is people who live outside of the United States.  Many foreigners are already familiar with US currency; however there is still tremendous potential for growth in that demographic.  Since our vouchers can only be redeemed at our domestic franchises our customers will need to visit the US.  While they are here they may end up spending some of their $100 bills at restaurants and hotels.  Some may purchase US goods such as California wines, Wisconsin cheeses and shoulder-launched rocket-propelled grenades.  We are especially excited because of rumors that many in China are expressing interest in purchasing a large number of vouchers.“

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