Obama Finally Arrives at White House

The moment progressives have waited three years for has arrived. After a postponed start the Obama Presidency has finally begun. At a Rose Garden speech the President apologized for being so late by saying, “I really had planned to get started on my agenda right away, however after my Inaugural Address I took a wrong turn and got lost.” The apology was confusing to those in attendance since none of them had realized he had been missing. As one of the President’s supporters said, “We had definitely been disappointed with a lack of leadership in some areas, but I was shocked when he told us that he had not even been in the White House this whole time.” The President explained that after his Inaugural Address he had convinced the Secret Service to let him drive the limo back to the White House, “I knew that it would be my last opportunity to drive for a long time.” Evidently the President then took a wrong turn. “They had Pennsylvania Avenue closed off, so I was trying to figure the best way to go, but I messed up. There were so many people, traffic was horrible. I tried to explain to some police officers, but they wouldn’t let me through.”

When asked about the hundreds of times he has been seen publicly, including three State of the Union Addresses, the President said,

“My best explanation is that the American people have all been suffering from a mass delusion. Democrats have been so ecstatic to have gotten rid of George Bush and Republicans have been so furiously upset that neither side has really been seeing things clearly. Everyone’s emotions, both euphoria and rage, have affected the entire nation like some sort of drug.  I wasn’t here, but none of you realized that. You all just saw what you expected to see.   Basically, the whole nation has been hallucinating for the past two and half years.”

After that announcement the President went on to give a speech that thrilled progressives.  In it he outlined a jobs bill designed to put people back to work with payroll tax credits and spending on infrastructure improvements. He also spoke about, “reforming our tax code in a way that asks the wealthiest Americans and biggest corporations to pay their fair share.“  About the speech Miles Rapoport wrote, “This is the narrative we have been waiting for”.  Now that he has physically assumed office the progressive supporters of President are hopeful that he will finally provide solid leadership on the issues important to them.

In a press conference later that day the President explained that for months after the Inauguration he showed up every day at the White House and tried to get in.

“No one would believe that I was the President.  Some of the folks protesting across from the White House believed me, but no one listens to them. After a while I just gave up.  I still had my apartment on Capitol Hill so I moved back in there. I had my cash card, but that only lasted a few months. Then one day, I was having lunch at Union Station and someone told me I looked like the President and asked if he could hire me to come to his son’s birthday party. I was nearly out of money so I said yes. Pretending to be President turned out to be a lot of fun so I signed on with an agency and took jobs as a look-a-like. The pay was pretty good.”

When he was asked how he was finally able to get into the White House the President explained,

“I knew that some Democrats were pretty upset with the policies of ‘my administration’. It was frustrating because I was also disappointed.  After the mid-terms I began to realize that the mass hallucination was beginning to wear off. It was especially noticeable among progressives. One day a guy on the street recognized me, it was the happiest day of my life. I realized that I might have a chance at getting my life back. So, one week ago, I went to the Capitol to see if I could find a member of congress who would believe my story. I decided to visit the most liberal members since they tended to be the most disillusioned. I found Rep. Jim McDermott (D-WA) and thankfully he had become so disheartened with my presidency that he believed me.  He helped me get a meeting with Rep. Pelosi and Sen. Reid. From then on it was easy.”

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