10 Major Reveals in Dick Cheney’s New Book

Former vice-president overlord of the league of calamitous intent, Dick Cheney, has temporarily taken a break from spying on his family to discuss his new book entitled, ‘In My time’. Naturally, the contents of the ode to Satan book has dismayed many, including former Secretary of State Colin Powell. Well, here are some highly secretive and even more controversial items that didn’t make it into the final draft.

10 Major Reveals in Dick Cheney’s new book

1. Dick Cheney had plans for blocking the sun.

2. Dick Cheney would start each day with a pint of blood from an Iraqi child and a quart of polar bear tears.

3. Dick Cheney would end each day with a pint of blood from an Iraqi child and a quart of polar bear tears.

4. Dick Cheney would spend hours in his man safe watching the Killing Fields and laughing uncontrollably.

5. Dick Cheney spent the better half of the aftermath of 9/11 drawing up blueprints for a second Death Star.

6. Dick Cheney wanted to invade Syria but decided against it after being given a Moveon.org intern to torture.

7. Dick Cheney would force Colin Powell to call him Deathmaster or he would eat his liver with “some fava beans and a nice Chianti”.

8. Dick Cheney wanted to make the American Enterprise Institute a fifth branch of Government

9. Dick Cheney originally wanted the title of his book to be, “Redacted: I Dare You to Find All of the Terrible and Illegal Shit I’ve Done, America!”

10. Dick Cheney wanted every copy of his book to come equipped with a secret listening device so, if and when the reader had anything negative to say about the former vice-president, he would show up at their house, kill their family pet, urinate in their ice trays and, just to be a massive dick, write “Brooks was here” on his way out.

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Edited By: Alexis Atherton


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