Post Tagged with: "Republicans"


GOP Votes To Keep Their Sugar Daddies

In a vote that would overturn the Citizens United decision, many Republicans got queasy at the thought of losing all their unlimited cash. Not to worry though, Republicans came through and get to keep their Sugar Daddies like Charles and David Koch after all. “It really came down to what I feel is necessary for the country, and that is for me to win elections and reap the rewards of voting in favor of my Daddies,” said Senator Lindsey Graham […]

Continue Reading →

GOP Certain President Obama’s Taupe Suit Means He Hates America

Earlier today President Obama spoke to the press regarding unfolding developments abroad. However, the bigger issue to many Republicans was that the president wore a taupe suit. “What kind of president wears taupe?” said Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). “He should be wearing a blue suit with a white shirt and a red tie… every time. This is America after all. Why does he make visible his hatred for the greatest nation on earth.” Senator John McCain (R-AZ) said, “It’s an […]

Continue Reading →

New Poll Shows Ebola More Popular Than Congress

With each and everyday that Congress doesn’t pass any meaningful legislation, the American people grow even more frustrated with them. For example, only fifteen percent of Americans approve of the way Congress is handling its job, according to Gallup. And more than one in five say replacing all members is best way to fix it. Nonetheless, even as  Ebola–the deadly West African disease–is making  a comeback and poising a public heath threat to Americans traveling to and from the West […]

Continue Reading →

The Walking Red: The Truth about Florida’s “Zombie” Cover-up

  Over the past two years, Florida has been the scene of a series of violent and unusual attacks. These incidents have led to nationwide speculation as to the presence of zombies in the Sunshine State. After an exhaustive investigation into the story, it is now clear that Florida Governor Rick Scott and former Governor Jeb Bush are engaging in a disturbing and potentially deadly cover-up. The “zombie” attacks were not perpetrated by creatures from a horror movie or even […]

Continue Reading →

Republican Environmental Caucus Concedes Major Climate Issue: Rain is not in fact God’s Tears

The preponderance of scientific evidence has finally forced the conservative environmental caucus to concede one of the most divisive climate issues facing our nation. Conservative leaders now freely admit that rain is not the result of God’s tears. For years the scientific consensus is that rain is liquid water in the form of droplets that have condensed from atmospheric water vapor and then become heavy enough to fall due to gravity. However, many conservatives have preached that this is just […]

Continue Reading →

Republicans And Fox News Nervous About Running Out Of Scandals

A recent memo between Congressional Republicans and Fox News’ Rupert Murdoch revealed an intense urgency to come up with more Obama administration scandals. “Rupert, they’re debunking everything. Everything! From the IRS, to Obamacare, and now Benghazi. We can’t lose Benghazi! Please PLEASE keep talking about Benghazi as long as you can. Make shit up if you have to. You’ve done a great job so far. We’ll work over here on our side to scrap together something new. Maybe we should […]

Continue Reading →

GOP Blocks Minimum Wage Increase: ‘We Need People Dependent On The Government’

WASHINGTON, DC — The battle over raising the minimum wage came to a screeching halt today within the halls of Congress as the GOP blocked any form of progress. Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said, “Listen, we need people dependent on the government. If people start earning more money, then they won’t need food stamps, and if people don’t need food stamps, how are we going to funnel government dollars to our corporate pals? We also can’t have people realizing they […]

Continue Reading →

President Obama Forgets How to Spell ‘Respect’ After Five Long Years of Never Being Given Any

Sadly, President Obama just can’t get any ‘rspect’. After a particularly yummy Taco Tuesday, this past Thursday the White House decided to host the Women of Soul. Attended by a myriad of outstanding female musicians including Aretha Franklin, Melissa Etheridge, Patti Labelle and others, the event was held to honor the musical contributions of this country’s female artists. Also in attendance was President Obama who addressed the gathering: “When Aretha first told us what R-S-P-E-C-T meant to her, she had no […]

Continue Reading →

Republicans Want To Be Only Ones Paid For Not Working, Filibuster Unemployment Extension

Earlier today, Senate Republicans filibustered an attempt to extend unemployment insurance benefits to 1.7 Million Americans. “It was what needed to be done,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “We can’t have a bunch of people who aren’t working getting paid. Here in the Senate, we’re paid while not doing anything too, and there’s just not enough money to go around for everyone.” Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) told Free Wood Post, “It’s a hard truth, but where is the incentive for […]

Continue Reading →

Software Expert: Healthcare.gov Has Fewer Glitches Than GOP, Works More Than John Boehner

One software expert claims that Healthcare.gov works more than Republican House Speaker John Boehner and with less glitches than the entire Republican party.

Continue Reading →