Archive for Category: "Pop Culture"


Omniscient God Forced to Destroy 99.999999999% of His Creation

EARTH – Heavenly God of Creation, maker of heaven and earth, knower of all there ever was and all there ever will be, was forced to destroy practically the entirety of creation after deeming them a bit too much on the wicked side. “You know, you plan these things…and sometimes things just don’t turn out. Hey, it happens. Nobody’s perfect. I don’t know how anybody could have expected something like this to happen. Sure, there was that angel brief entitled […]

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Unretouched Photos of Scarlett Johansson Reveal Hideous Truth About Her Body

Unretouched photos of Scarlett Johansson have surfaced which reveal, as many had long suspected, a disgusting body requiring extensive photographic enhancement in order to be found palatable by the public at large. Investigative reporter Jennifer Rollins on the scandalous pics: “These are very tough to look at. They categorically prove that the images of Ms. Johansson’s that have been released and heretofore seen in the media are not real and simply the work of Photoshop wizards employed by her Hollywood […]

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Republicans Jealous Obama Actually Knows How To Relate To Young People

President Obama was just featured in a Funny or Die sketch with Zach Galifianakis. The president’s goal is to reach young Americans who are uninsured and help them gain insurance through visiting healthcare.gov. Several Republicans are very upset and jealous that President Obama can reach the under age 50 audience. Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said, “We’ve never been able to tap into that market. I could say he’s wasting his time, but he’s not. He’s actually making my job of […]

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White Heterosexual Males Finally Get Their Chance In Late Night Television

It’s been a long time coming, but a group of underrepresented individuals are finally getting their chance at the late night television spotlight. This elusive group of white, heterosexual males have now been given a chance to host talk shows which air in the post primetime time slots. Many are ecstatic that this group of underrepresented individuals are being given their just desserts after working so long to become noticed in mainstream culture. It’s only a matter of time until […]

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Phil Robertson Signed To Fox News After A&E Suspends Him For Homophobic Remarks

Fox News didn’t waste any time or ignore the obvious fit that Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame is for their channel. Before the news even hit the wire that Robertson was suspended, News Corporation had the Louisiana native on the phone and inking a contract before anyone else could nab him. A Fox News representative stated, “He fits our mission and message. We here at Fox News appreciate a man who’s not afraid to be homophobic. In fact, we […]

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Limbaugh: Freeloading Kids Asking for Handouts on Mall Christmas Trees

On his last radio show yesterday, Rush Limbaugh went on a lengthy rant about a horrifying new practice that his production team has discovered is sweeping the country. “This is disgusting. This is way worse than ‘the knockout game.’ You’re not going to believe this, but there are children, all across this great country of America, who have systematically infiltrated shopping malls…and I know you probably don’t know this…but this is why we do the show…they’ve systematically infiltrated shopping malls […]

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Contrite Abercrombie & Fitch Will Now Offer Clothes in Size “Cow”, “Walrus”, “Whale”

Abercrombie & Fitch, the controversial retailer known for featuring scantily clad teen models in its advertising, has listened to its critics and has made a significant marketing shift to now include larger sized clothes. The company was under fire by many consumers and youth advocacy groups after CEO Mike Jeffries said in a 2006 interview that its clothes were more for “cool” and “good-looking” people. “We’ve heard from our critics, and they are absolutely right. Ugly fatasses have value in […]

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Rand Paul Proves Writing Prowess with New Children’s Book “Barry Trotter and the Sorcerer’s Bone”

This December, Senator Rand Paul will answer critics and prove his writing prowess by releasing his first children’s book “Barry Trotter and the Sorcerer’s Bone”. The presidential hopeful has been besieged this week by reports of widespread plagiarism. According to Paul, the criticism “annoys the hell out of me” and suggested he would take extreme action “if dueling were legal in Kentucky”. Ultimately Paul decided that murdering those who caught him cheating may not be the best way to garner […]

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‘Sluts’ Blocked from Jacob Hall’s Facebook Page, Asked to Friend ‘Acobjay Allhay’ Instead

As we first learned in Kim Hall’s “FYI (If You’re a Teenage Girl), legions of harlots are conspiring to deflower the purity of her wholesome children.

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Miley Cyrus Sent To Syria To Make Americans Care About Syria

After several top-level meetings with key cabinet members, including Secretary of State John Kerry, President Obama has decided that sending Miley Cyrus to Syria is the best present course of action.

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