Archive for Category: "Almost News"


Howard Schultz Reveals Selling $5 Cups Of Coffee Proves Many Gullible Enough To Vote For Him

In a political climate where just about any old white male billionaire thinks those features alone are enough to qualify for the presidency, former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz believes his chances are pretty good. 

Continue Reading →

Woman Who Married For Fame And Cash Doesn’t Want Others To Play By Her Rules

“So many take advantage of way I came to US to make money, and now they want piece of pie. It my pie.”

Continue Reading →

Republicans Reveal Greatest Threat Is Counting And Math

“We’d win every time if it weren’t for those darn numbers.”

Continue Reading →

NEW: Trumpy Jr. Bear Comes With Prison Uniform To Change Into – Fun For All Ages

Due to high demand of this product, there may be a 6-8 week waiting period.

Continue Reading →

Trump To Eliminate Birthright Citizenship; Finally Have Excuse To Deport Eric

To be honest, his reasoning does make a lot of sense. It will be interesting to see if Trump will get away with shredding the 14th Amendment of the Constitution.

Continue Reading →

Known Racist Megyn Kelly Not Sure Why People Are So Surprised She’s Still Racist

“I don’t know why they’re so surprised I would say something like this. It wasn’t like I ever hid my racism.”

Continue Reading →

Jeff Flake Unable To Find Spine With Lips Still Firmly Attached To Trump’s Ass; Obstructs View

Thankfully, Flake will be leaving the United States Senate after this term, but a team of surgeons will be flown into Washington DC who are well versed in lips to ass attachment.

Continue Reading →

Trump Tells Crowd Migrant Caravan Includes Charles Manson, Adolf Hitler, Osama bin Laden

He seems to be hellbent on fearmongering hoping that his base won’t catch on.

Continue Reading →

Jordan Peterson Wonders If Women Are Even People At All, Insinuates They May Just Be Holograms

In what may be Jordan Peterson’s most bizarre assumption of late, he’s now insinuating that women aren’t even people at all, but are actually holograms created by a Marxist governmental sub-system designed to get in the way of full male potential to dominate the world stress-free. 

Continue Reading →

Trump Goes On Tweetstorm Over Rogue Caravan Heading To US Border

It’s rumored the president is looking at sending the military to stop the well-loved passenger van because he thinks they’re ugly.

Continue Reading →