Boehner To Investigate Benghazi Now That Obamacare Is Working


Troubled by the news that people are liking the Affordable Care Act, Speaker John Boehner has decided to shift focus.

“I’ve worked very hard the past five years to get people to hate President Obama,” said Boehner in a FWP exclusive interview. “Do you know how hard it is to postpone governing to focus on scandals? We’ve had to find things, anything, to keep us from actually having to work for the people. Ugh, the people. There’s been the bailout, which happened under Bush, but shhh, don’t tell our base. There’s been Solyndra, because let’s face it, I like my oil investments more, even if they don’t need the money. There’s been ‘Fast and Furious’ and I just really liked the name of it, so kept that one going a while. Then there was the IRS scandal we pulled from the top of our heads, which was really just the IRS doing their jobs as most of these political nonprofits are filing incorrectly. We need to hide our donors somehow. Then along came Obamacare, our crowned jewel, but goshdangit, it’s actually working. Now all we have left is Benghazi. And I’m well aware that embassies and consulates in these terrorist hotbeds get attacked frequently, but our low information voter base doesn’t. I’m also well aware that we were told by officials over there not to give added security. And I know that the story changed as the facts were made apparent through investigation. And I’m also aware that much of my voting base can’t locate Benghazi on a map. Which makes it perfect, we needed a new scandal! I can’t be forced to actually go to the work for the people. I just want my paycheck and a glass of fine Merlot, is that too much to ask?”

We asked why he became a politician if he didn’t want to actually work for the people, to which he replied, “the kickbacks, of course.”

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