File under Bizarre: Always Maxi Pads Now in Pumpkin Spice Scent


Just in time for Fall, Always brand feminine pads, you know the one with wings, is coming out with a new scented line of products. Director of Marketing, Ken Whiteman, said in a press release, “We hope this is just the first in a series of seasonal scented products. Market research has shown that the sense of smell is the strongest shopping impulse. Our feminine products are a natural fit for this type of campaign. Women respond to things that smell nice and the cotton is naturally absorbent.”

The first in this new product rollout is Pumpkin Spice Always maxi pads. I don’t know about anyone else but speaking as a woman and not a reporter, I don’t want any kind of smell emanating from my lady bits, especially when it’s that time of the month.

We’re not sure Always and Mr. Whiteman have really thought this through. This product could prove disastrous. Picture Thanksgiving dinner, the family is gathered round the table; you’ve just finished the most perfect meal. The Turkey was moist, the cranberry sauce perfection. You stand to clear the dinner plates and Grandpa exclaims, “Mmmmm, I smell pumpkin pie. Bring on the desert.” Now you have to sadly say, “Oh sorry, Gramps that’s just my period. We’re having ice cream.” Way to spoil an evening Always.

Or, how about going on a date? The relationship is new. You’re comfortable with each other but not that comfortable. Your date leans in for a kiss, “Mmmm what are you wearing? You smell just like a pumpkin spice latte.” Now mortified you have to reply, “It’s my monthly discharge.” You’ll never date again.

Let’s not even talk about how crazy crotch sniffing dogs are going to get when they are near you.

If the Pumpkin Spice Maxi’s do well, Always plans to add Pine and Cinnamon Apple scents for Christmas. Just what every girl needs a Vajayjay that smells like a New York City taxi cab.

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