Deceased Guitarist Hanneman Kills Dozens, Maims Hundreds En Route To Damnation


Authorities across the nether regions of hell are still searching for answers in the wake of a brutal multiple homicide perpetrated by recently deceased Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman, reports alleged Sunday.

While varying accounts are still surfacing from shocked eyewitnesses, the death toll from Hanneman’s kill-crazy rampage is estimated to be at least 67, with another 250-300 suffering from various bodily injuries.

The legendary thrash metal guitarist passed from the material world on Thursday, May 2nd, but three days later was evidently incensed at the sluggish and indifferent service at the Altar of Sacrifice, a popular rest stop and watering hole for travelers to the underworld.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” commented former Exodus frontman Paul Baloff, a frequent patron of the Altar who joined the infernal legions in 2002. “He was just slugging back Heinekens like normal, they were a little slow bringing him the next round, and he just snapped.”

Security camera footage of the senseless Slaying shows Hanneman finishing his beer before rearing back on his stool and putting his fist entirely through a startled patron’s skull, his bloody digits emerging from the other side of the cranium triumphantly brandishing the “metal horns” symbol.

Things went rapidly downhill from there, according to multiple eyewitness reports. The enraged thrasher allegedly “took a short moment over his first victim to graze the skin with his fingertips,” according to the Altar’s co-owner Chuck Schuldinger, another eyewitness to the slaughter. “Then he was on to the next victim. But what can you do, right? It’s not like you can hide the face of death.”

According to multiple reports, Hanneman paused briefly after twenty-nine minutes of nonstop mayhem, only to resume his blood-crazed massacre for an additional twenty-nine minutes, evidently in subconscious homage to the thrash great’s magnum opus Reign in Blood and its twenty-nine-minute runtime.

Victims of the guitarist’s wrath were generally sympathetic to Hanneman’s startling actions, with few if any of the slain expressing anything but respect and admiration for the deceased shredder. “You kidding? That was the shit!” crowed fellow deceased axeman Darrell “Dimebag” Abbott, who per eyewitnesses volunteered to be gruesomely dispatched four separate times during the course of the killing spree. “I mean the way that time melts away in this living inferno, anything to liven things up a bit, man!”

Feedback from elsewhere in the underworld was also generally positive. “On behalf of the live undead, we welcome Jeff’s enthusiastic embrace of his fate here among the damned, and eagerly await his next blood-streaked blasphemy against the flesh,” commented former Black Sabbath frontman Ronnie James Dio, in a prepared statement released Sunday morning from his offices, an alabaster palace perched atop the back of a prismatic dragon. “It is clear that when one lives by the sword, one…well, you know.”

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