Egyptians Upset At Unfair Portrayal In Bible

Egyptian scholars gathered in Cairo to publicly protest what they say is a terribly unfair portrayal of Egyptians in the Bible. Specifically, they object to the idea that they enslaved the Israelites and wouldn’t let them leave until God wreaked vengeance upon them.

Spokesman for the group, Ali Haqqi told Free Wood Post:

“Look, there were no Israelites here. We weren’t holding them as slaves. We took some pretty fucking fantastic records back then. We even wrote down what color King Tut’s shit was. But you think we forgot to mention that we had enslaved an entire race of people? Two million people supposedly got up and walked out of here, and not only was there no record of them – did I mention we kept good records? – but there’s absolutely no archaeological trace of them in the desert where they supposedly escaped? I keep hearing Jewish tourists say, “Let me climb on the pyramids because my ancestors built them.” And I say, “Get back behind the rope, idiot. They did not. We did not enslave any Israelites. We did exactly what any self-respecting people would do, we enslaved our own people for that kind of thing. You know, high school dropouts and Mormons. There were no Jews here!”

“I object to the fact that God had a ‘chosen people’ at all. That makes no sense. God made us all, so why would he prefer Israelites over Egyptians? And if he did, why would he have let them be slaves for so long, starve in the desert, and make them eat stale crackers and moth ball soup?

“And don’t get me started on the ‘plagues’… The Nile turns red all of the time from algae. That kills the frogs. No frogs means more insects. And I don’t have to tell you that an insect explosion sucks all around, especially in a hot climate. And we get hail a lot. And locusts. Boy, do we get locusts. We just got a ton of locusts the other day. It’s an endless cycle. Look, this isn’t fucking Hawaii, OK? But most of all, do you think that God killed all of our first-born sons because we were holding Israelites as slaves? You know, the ones who weren’t here? Don’t you think we would have noticed that? Maybe written it down? And if that had happened…who, Israelite or Egyptian, would worship such a contemptible madman?”

Despite the age of the Old Testament, it has not been criticized by Egyptian scholars until recently.

“Frankly, until this point, we didn’t think it was even worth addressing because we didn’t think anyone would be stupid enough to actually believe this garbage. But once I saw this ‘700 Club’ show on TV and was told that it is not actually a sitcom, I felt that we had to make our voices heard.”

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