Sequester Budget Cuts Are Teaching Me to Live Within My Means, says Hungry Two-Month-Old Baby

She may still have trouble focusing her eyes, but local infant Shoshanna Lange is wise beyond her weeks.  The seven-pound Georgia resident recently told reporters that she is grateful for the wisdom she has gained after massive cuts to federal programs, which recently went into effect thanks to the sequester, meant that she and her mother were dropped from WIC, the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children.

“Sure, it was hard for us to be denied coverage,” said Lange, whose weight is in the lowest percentile for infants in her age group, due in part to her mother’s lack of access to the supplemental food, health screenings, and breast-feeding support and education that WIC provides.

“But really, that’s just the price I have to pay for our nation’s decades of out-of-control government spending.  I can’t expect us to continue maintaining a bloated defense budget and keeping up with constantly rising medicare costs without having to make some painful sacrifices,” Lange said.  “If I have to go hungry during a critical period of brain development, I’m only doing my part to support these much-needed and appropriate measures of austerity at home.”

As she lay quietly in her crib, displaying the distinct lack of energy common to infants suffering from malnutrition, Lange admitted that it was not easy shouldering the burden of cuts in social services, but concluded that it has taught her a lot about the value of hard work and determination from a young age.

“If I don’t want to spend my nights shivering because my low body weight makes it difficult for me to keep warm, then maybe I should get a job so I can pay for my own blankets and formula, rather than expecting the government to step in and bail me out, like it did the banks,” Lange reasoned.

“My mother has to make hard choices every day over whether to pay for food or heat—but it’s the sort of difficult choice that I know members of Congress also face.  After all, we’re all in this together.  As they battle their own constant hunger pangs, it helps me to know that I am not alone in my sacrifice, and that my suffering is happening for a real reason—not just to prop up an irrational and uncompromising political ideology that is destroying America, or anything like that.”

Toward the end of the interview, Lange’s cries for food became weaker, and her mood grew more resigned.  “It’s hard not to have enough to eat,” she said.  “But I need to be aware that our government’s days of reckless entitlement spending are over.  I certainly enjoyed that era while it lasted, but now it’s time me and other vulnerable citizens like me paid the price for all of that irresponsible behavior.”

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