Ryan Plans to Offer Vouchers to Residents of New Jersey Coast

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Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan toured the coast of New Jersey this week to view the devastation left by hurricane Sandy. During several stops along the way, Ryan met with anxious residents to reassure them that once elected, a Romney-Ryan administration would provide them with all the vouchers they needed to rebuild their shattered lives.

“We’ll have every kind of voucher you could want,” he promised solemnly, standing behind a makeshift podium near Point Pleasant Beach. “Vouchers for food, vouchers for clean water. Vouchers for buckets, so that you can bail out your flooded houses. We’ll even provide vouchers you can use to pay private contractors to help repair the damage to your state’s roadways and public buildings.”

He continued  “I should note that for those unable to exchange their vouchers to obtain buckets, the vouchers themselves will be printed on very absorbent paper. They will also be highly flammable, for those who continue to lack power and choose to burn them for warmth.”

Ryan added that when it came to residents who found themselves trapped and endangered by flooding, downed power lines or collapsing buildings, rescue workers would be immediately dispatched to seek them out in order to hand them the crucial vouchers they desperately needed.

“As these rescue workers will also be paid using vouchers, in some cases residents will receive their vouchers, and will be instructed to hand them back to the rescue workers,” Ryan said. “At which point the rescue workers will leave, having accomplished their lifesaving task of voucher distribution.”

Ryan noted that allowing civilians to use vouchers to bid on the free market for the most cost-friendly repairs to public roads and buildings would be the quickest and most effective way for America’s damaged coastal areas to rebuild.

“Budget-wise, it’s so much cheaper for the government to simply print and distribute vouchers than for us to use federal funds to launch a full-scale effort to repair our damaged infrastructure,” he said, adding, “and we’ll be sure to pass those savings on to our nation’s job creators in the form of increased tax cuts.”





Molly is a humorist & satirist from NYC.  You can read more of her work on her blog,  I Heard Tell or by visiting her Facebook Page.

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