Glenn Beck’s American Airlines trauma leads to National Open a Soda for Glenn Beck Day

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Glenn Beck hasn’t let up on his rant over his horrible treatment on American Airlines when he traveled over Labor Day, and fans are talking up a boycott of the airline with the name that you would think Beck and his followers would fawn over. But alas, paper mache patriotism doesn’t allow for mistreatment of Beck. His deity-like status among those who acknowledge that America was founded to be a Christian-themed fascist empire demands that offenders be hanged.

Demanding the head of the American flight attendant who, according to Beck, failed to open a can of soda for the conservative stalwart, seems a small price to pay. The livelihood of a worker in an industry that has seen massive layoffs and wouldn’t hold much promise for another job is small beans compared to forcing Beck to open his own soda.

Sure, there are haters of everything conservative out there who will say Beck is being a whiny-ass tea bag headed jackass, but they don’t understand just how hard it is for Beck to open his own soda. Long years of living in a continual state of paranoia has lead to excessive nail-biting that has worn his nails down to nubs.

Beck followers can take heart in the knowledge that there is help coming for their man. National Open a Soda for Glenn Beck Day will take place September 14. It’s “meant to alleviate the obvious trauma Beck went through at the hands of the flight attendant,” according to a statement put out by the group Help Conservatives Cope with Everyday Tasks in a Modern Society.

HCCETM takes on challenges like coaching tea party conservatives about how to make sure and cash their Social Security checks before spending some of the money on signs supporting Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan’s plans to dismantle the program. The group has been cited by international organizations for their work, an honor not taken lightly.

“We are so proud to have earned recognition of our fight to help American conservatives manage the brave new world of technology,” said HCCETM spokesperson Hilda Feldercarp. “The day I helped one figure out how to operate a can opener will always be precious to me,” she added.

The group’s mission statement declares that we all have a shared responsibility to help care for those who are overwhelmed by modern society and inexplicably long to take America back to the days before flush toilets and coffee makers.


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