Legislation to Outlaw ‘Recreational Masturbation’

(Oklahoma City)  A measure recently introduced in the Oklahoma State Senate would effectively outlaw ‘recreational masturbation’.   State Senator Constance Johnson (D) is attempting to add language to the proposed ‘Personhood Bill’ that would make “any action that ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child.”  If passed, the legislation would effectively outlaw most forms of masturbation and would have immediate and massive effects on the lives of most of Oklahoma’s men.  In spite of the negative outcry against the legislation there is one industry that is viewing the bill as a potential windfall.  At the behest of the cattle industry the legislation includes an exception for ‘masturbation required for purposes of artificial insemination’.  Fertility clinics and sperm banks across the state are hoping to take advantage of this loophole by encouraging Oklahoma’s men to use their services when they need to ‘get their rocks off’.  Sperm banks in the state are anticipating a massive rise in their customers and also an increase in business.  At a recent press conference Sperm Banks of Oklahoma spokesman Ron Jeremy detailed changes that the industry would be making;

“In the past we have paid men who have made deposits at our facilities.  Because of this legislation we have decided to totally flip our business model and will now charge men who wish to make deposits.  Existing regulations only allow adults over the age of 17 to use sperm banks; however an exception is made for boys who will be undergoing medical treatment that will likely leave them sterile.   We hope that this exception will remain in effect because we see the potential for teenage boys to be a large segment of our customer base.  Our website provides phone numbers of doctors who are willing to make the necessary diagnosis over the phone.”

Not all businesses are as enthused about the legislation as are sperm banks.  The Oklahoma porn industry is concerned that new laws may effectively criminalize their industry.  Adult Entertainment Industry spokesman Ron Jeremy explained, “The legislation doesn’t directly censor any videos or magazines, however if it can be shown that pornography is contributing to any recreational masturbation fines may be imposed on stores or websites that offer our products.”

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