New Bill Seeks to Ban Third Marriages

An amendment to the US Constitution has been proposed in an effort to curtail what supporters are calling a “flagrant and repeated assault on the sanctity of marriage” by individuals who are taking three or more trips down the aisle in a single lifetime.

“How can you say that you take marriage seriously when you’ve pledged to stay together “til death do us part” with three different people?” said Harold Myers, an advocate of the amendment, which has been nicknamed the “Stick it Out” act.

“Some people even divorce and then remarry the same person more than once,” he added, shaking his head.  “Why is that even allowed?  We’ve just got to draw the line somewhere.”

Tennessee Representative Jim Cooper, who helped draft the amendment, says it’s been adapted slightly from its initial premise.  “We took a more hardline approach in the beginning,” he said.  “We originally had the position that any marriage after a couple’s second should no longer be legally recognized.”

However, it soon became apparent to Cooper that such an amendment, retroactively applied, would in effect invalidate 70% of the marriages in his state.

“We didn’t want this to be too radical a change all at once,” he said.  “Even by capping the number of legal marriages at 2 per person, as the amendment does now, we realize that if it passes, there are going to be a lot of unhappy, suddenly unmarried couples out there.”

He added, “And possibly some relieved ones.”

Those opposed to the radically restrictive new amendment argue that they should be free to marry as many times as they need to in order to get it right.

“How can the government dare to tell me how many times I can get married?” said Virginia resident Michael Errand, who has been actively campaigning against the proposed legislation.  “For one thing, it’s none of their damn business.”

He added, “For another thing, weddings are fun!  Everyone always has a great time.  Why should I only get one?”

“It takes time to find out what you’re really looking for in a life partner,” said Ann Carlson, a twice-divorced mother of two from Orlando who is planning to wed husband number three this summer.  “Sometimes it’s honestly just a matter of trial and error.”

“That said,” she added, “I do feel strongly that each marriage should be between a man and a woman, every time.  For it to be otherwise is deeply disrespectful of a sacred ceremony which only becomes more meaningful each time I experience it.”


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