GOP Front-Runners Sign Vow to Attack Turkey if Elected

Wichita, KS – With Super Tuesday’s results heating-up the campaign rhetoric, Republican presidential hopefuls Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum have signed a vow pledging to attack Turkey upon being sworn in as the next President of the United States.  The vow, originally authored by the Koalition Of Concerned Humans, a grass-roots conservative group, states:

Turkey has already provided the United States with ample reason for a swift and decisive preemptive strike. Any responsible US President would immediately attack the people of Turkey with devastating force. Sadly, President Barrack Hussein Obama, out of weakness and a Kenyan fondness for Islamofascist terrorist regimes, has failed to drag the US into another ongoing, fiscally and morally depleting war involving the slaughter of hundreds of thousands of innocent Evil Doers. Therefore, I vow that when elected President, I will immediately set a new course by ordering the complete and total annihilation of Turkey (except for the parts with lots of oil).   

Romney spoke briefly about the vow while visiting Wichita-based Koch Industries in anticipation of Kansas’ March 10 primary. “It’s a very good vow, a severely conservative vow,” he stated, “and after I thought about it for a long, long while, I didn’t hesitate to sign it.”

When asked why he believed Turkey had provoked a preemptive attack, Romney responded, “Have you ever heard of Diyarbakır? Do you have any idea how much oil Turkey has there? Charles Koch knows what I’m talking about, I can tell you that much!”

Meanwhile, about a mile from Koch Industries, in a mega-church adorned with a twenty-foot golden cross that gleams like a polished hood ornament in the Kansas sun,  Santorum spoke to a crowd of approximately 1,000 enthusiastic supporters about the dangers posed to American families by “gays, contraception, and college-educated gay snobs who use contraception.”

When asked about signing the vow to attack Turkey, Santorum stated, “Yes, I signed it, but I came here to talk about how contraception and gay socialists are destroying the sanctity of marriage and stealing jobs from straight Americans, their step children, and their babies’ mamas—that’s what this election is all about.”

When pressed for further comment on his vow to lead the nation into war if elected president, Santorum stated, “Look, the Crusades get a bad rap, and sooner or later we are going to have to fight that fight again. It’s prophesy, actually, and those of us who are real Christians know that Christ wants us to make holy war and smite the snotty, gay, libertine bookworms who arrogantly feel that they, and not their religious employers, should have control over their own bodies.”

When a member of the media suggested to Santorum that Christ taught his followers to “turn the other cheek” and “judge not,” Santorum shook his head.

“You’ve got the wrong guy,” he said. “That’s Liberal Hippie Jesus, the French neo-pagan socialist. I believe in Conservative Republican Jesus, the white, blue-eyed free-market capitalist who healed the tax codes, taught the sick and the poor about the holy profit motive and the sin of welfare, and then laid down the law about contraception and what consenting adults should not be allowed to do in their own bedrooms. ”

A press release from the White House dismissed the Republicans’ vow to attack Turkey as “a demonstration of how ill-conceived and reckless the GOP’s rhetoric has become.”  It also assured the people of Turkey and the United States that signed treaties legally prevent a preemptive strike by either nation.


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