Congressman Proposes Legalization of Child Labor

(The following proposal by Mississippi Congressman Roy Enbrieder to Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner was recently discovered in the bathroom stall of a gentlemen’s club off of I-55 in Mississippi.)

Speaker John Boehner,

John, according to a recent study, there were 15-million children in the United States of America living in poverty in 2009. That is roughly 1 in 5 kids. Now, I watch Fox News and I believe that these are 15-million very lazy brats who spend too much time texting and playing video games. It’s time we put a stop to the madness before the liberals start asking for more handouts. Before I explain my multi-step plan, let me fill you in on more of these so-called “facts” being spouted by the Democrats.

The Annie E. Casey Foundation reported that more than 30-million of this country’s children (2 in 5) live in a household “where no parent had a full time year-round job”.  They are quick to point out that the last time the statistics were this bad was in the early 1990s, just after the Reagan and Bush Sr. years. Under Clinton, the U.S. made substantial progress, yet for some reason in 2000 the number of impoverished kids began rising dramatically. Now the liberal hippies would like to point out that when a Democrat is President kids are better off, but I don’t buy the premise. I think that kids are living in poverty because they’re not getting off of their tiny butts and getting a job. Yet the liberals keep pointing to this “mountain of facts and evidence”.

One such fact is that the states with the worse incidents of child poverty occur in conservative southern states such as Alabama, Louisiana and my much maligned home state of Mississippi which actually holds the last place ranking (for the 10th consecutive year) with over 31% of its children living in poverty. On the other hand the top states for children were New Hampshire, Minnesota, Massachusetts and Vermont. All of which voted Democrat in the last election. I call shenanigans! Clearly these so-called facts are being used to confuse the good people of the south. I call upon my fellow conservatives to ignore these deceptions and implement the following plan:

First: In 1938, Franklin D. Roosevelt signed into law the Fair Labor Act which placed limits on child labor. FDR was also responsible for Social Security and giving federal rights to workers to form unions and collectively bargain their employment contracts. Clearly this was another liberal hippy Socialist who doesn’t believe in hard work. Wait? An aide just told me FDR was a Republican. Well, he was probably a closet hippie. Anyway, the first step is to repeal this Act.

Second: Shrink the school day to 45 minutes so that these kids can get to work. Look, clearly school is not working otherwise this country would be much better off. So rather than waste time trying to read, write and do the other stuff that schools allegedly “teach”, let’s just skip it all. Think of all the money will save on the leacher’s salaries. Oops, I meant teachers, though you can understand the error. Instead of school, the children will now spend 45 minutes a day in a True Science class where they will discuss the wonders of Creationism and The Bible.

Third: Get the brats working. Look, I have seen 6-years-olds with far more energy than I have at 53. Get them working in fast food, construction, retail and factory work. Where there is a need, stick them in. They are not really a full person yet so you only need to pay them a portion of what an adult makes. $1 an hour would be generous. They work 14 hour days, 7 days a week and suddenly that family is not so impoverished is it? The best part is when the kids get a little tired; a mixture of sugar and caffeine could extend their work day to 16-18 hours easily. Meanwhile, businesses grow with easy access to cheap labor. Win-win situation.

In conclusion, we spend too much time coddling lazy good for nothing people in this country. There are too many liberal Socialists looking for a handout. Well, the next time they see my hand out, it will be because I am about to slap some sense into them. It is time we get the brats in line, get the books out of their hands and get them to work.


Congressman Roy Enbrieder


Orbson Rice is a deeply disturbed professional Writer and Editor. He is also the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more from the God of Words himself.

Original photograph taken by McKay Savage

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