Catholic Church Confesses New Counter-Contraception Tactics

BOSTON, MASS – Catholic Bishops today approved a new strategy to counter contraception use in the United States. The Church will now attempt to purchase all available forms of contraception on the market in order to cause a worldwide shortage, thus forcing consumers to do without.

Bishop Andrew Manson of the US Catholic Dioceses explained, “because President Obama has denied our Constitutional right to use the Church’s fiscal power to enshrine our personally invasive religious doctrines in the healthcare plans of all of our female employees, we are going to use the Church’s money to simply consume all of the birth control available.”

Manson, who was clearly upbeat, claimed the Church’s decision was a blow against “big government” and would be noticed in bedrooms across the nation.

“Good luck finding a condom for less $100, Miss Needle-Sharing Sex Addict,” Manson continued. “Your days of promiscuous sex and abortions are over thanks to our bold buyout!”

Manson went on to state that the bishops had officially vowed to find more legal ways to use the Church’s fiscal potency to impose their Medieval ideas on the public.

“We are going to use the Church’s wealth as a way into women’s personal lives no matter what,” Manson stated, “even if that means asking the Pope to sell the ceiling off of the Sistine Chapel in order to buy-out the diaphragm business.”

Manson concluded by noting that 98% of Catholic women had already joined the Church in its attempt to buy-out the birth control business.

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