Humor Columnist Distraught: There is Absolutely Nothing Funny About Penn State Scandal

For nearly a week, the various forms of media, from television news to the internet, have been saturated with the story of sexual abuse of several children by a former Penn State football coach.  It has gave rise from disgust to anger to revenge among large numbers of people, including those who live in a cave and didn’t even know Penn State had a football team.  The scandal has led to the dismissal of venerated 46-year head coach Joe Paterno, the winningest coach in major college history.  But perhaps the biggest tragedy in this involves one man not even remotely connected with Pennsylvania State University, humor columnist Jason Chance.  When asked for comment on the situation, Chance responded, “How the hell am I supposed to write a humor column about something that there is absolutely nothing funny about?”

Indeed, the scandal has pushed other stories off the front page.  Previous scandal of the week subject GOP Presidential candidate Herman Cain sent former Penn State assistant coach and accused pedophile Jerry Sandusky a two-word email: “Thank You.”  When asked by CNN’s Anderson Cooper what she made of Rick Perry’s “Ooops” moment at a recent GOP debate, the Huffington Post’s Arianna Huffinton responded, “Rick who?  GOP what?  Did you hear Joe Paterno got fired?”  An anonymous Occupy Wall Street protestor wearing a Guy Fawkes mask was seen holding a sign proclaiming, “Jerry Sandusky is NOT the 99%”  For the first time since President Barack Obama’s election in 2008, the word Obamacare has not been used by an anchor on Fox News Channel in over a week.  Meanwhile, on “Countdown With Keith Olbermann,” rants about Glenn Beck have been conspicuously absent.  Even Senator John McCain (R-AZ) failed to notice Friday was Veteran’s Day and had to be reminded by an undocumented worker maid at one of his eight residences.

Back in his office at an undisclosed location, Chance sat at his personal computer with his head in his hands.  “Deadlines, deadlines,”  he says.  He follows, “I have to come up with something so my three readers don’t forget I exist,” and then sighing, “Oh okay.  My two readers.” With GOP gaffes and Lindsay Lohan getting jailed again yesterday’s news, the plight of the starving humor columnist is beginning to become evident.  “Will Charlie Sheen please do something?  Anything!,” exclaims Chance, “When is Kim Kardashian’s next wedding?”

“Oh well.   Maybe this is a sign I need to get a real job. Where are the jobs, Mr. Boehner?  Tell me,”  Chance asks as he turns of his XBox 360 and starts up EA Sports NCAA Football 2012.  “Or maybe I’ll sit here and sulk.”

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