Republican Suggestions for Mount Rushmore

This week, Michelle Bachmann suggested we put Reagan, Coolidge and Garfield on Mt. Rushmore. She likes Garfield because he was the only member of the House to be elected President as she wants to do. And, Garfield was assassinated after only seven months in office. Bachman chose Coolidge for being a Republican who stuck to his economic laissez-faire policies even as the economy faltered. Coolidge was also a hero of her hero, the too moderate, Ronald Reagan. Any hero of my hero is my hero, as the saying goes.

So we decided to look into what other candidates for the Republican nomination would want on Mt. Rushmore.  Here are the results.

Most hated in his own party front-runner Mitt Romney wants Mount Rushmore to feature a bald eagle because, “A bald eagle has one purpose, to win. And the bald eagle will do or say anything to win, to get that fish. Most importantly, a bald eagle stands for different things for many people, and can be whatever you want him to be at the moment.”

Rick Perry wants Aaron Burr’s visage on Mount Rushmore, because, “Burr was willing to shoot Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton in the face and kill him because he disagreed with him politically. We need more politicians that are willing to stand for what they believe in that old Texas style.”

Ron Paul suggested half in jest that he wants a gold bar carved into the side of the mountain to remind everyone that the gold standard is the best way to go. He added, “As long as you don’t increase the deficit creating the monument and took only private donations and hired non-union labor but not Mexicans and forced them to buy their own insurance and didn’t use public money if one of them fell and got injured, then put whatever you damn want on the mountain. Remember, the government doesn’t create jobs and I wouldn’t want them to do it here and prove me wrong.”

Rick Santorum said he wants the Bible carved into Mount Rushmore along with the 10 Commandments there to remind everyone that killing is bad. “As long as you don’t have any gay or Muslim men, or gay Muslim men carving the Bible into the mountain, I’m all for it. If you did have gay men working on the sacred Bible on the Mount, it would support man on dog sex.”

Herman Cain wants an image of himself and his wide grin with the words, “Better Black” carved underneath.

Newt Gingrich wants to salute corporate American and put a big GE corporate logo on Mount Rushmore. “Corporations are under represented in America, and I admire GE for all their clever work avoiding taxes and making the little guy pay.”

Tim Pawlenty, Gary Johnson and Jon Huntsman, Jr. were unavailable for comment because outsiders in their prospective party are not allowed coverage during primary season.

Tex Shelters

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