Michele Bachmann Files Sexual Harassment Suit Against Herself

A new day brings new turmoil for the GOP candidates. Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota), filed a sexual harassment suit against herself. Bachmann gave us the story behind why she filed this suit during a telephone interview.


FWP Reporter: Mrs Bachmann, why are you filing a suit against yourself?

Michele Bachmann: The other night while laying in bed, I forced myself upon myself. I wanted to go to sleep, but I held myself down. After several minutes of struggling, I forced my hand under my blanket. I told myself NO! NO! But I wouldn’t listen. {Michele started to cry on the phone.}

FWP Reporter: Mrs Bachmann? Mrs Bachmann? Are you ok?

Michele Bachmann: I’m sorry, the situation was horrible. If it wasn’t for my husband Marcus, I would have done it.

FWP Reporter: Done what?

Michele Bachmann: I would have masturbated, it’s evil, and you’ll go directly to hell.

FWP Reporter: So you didn’t do it because your husband, Marcus, did it for you?

Michele Bachmann: No, me and my husband have cut sex out of our lives. Sex is for demons and homosexuals. We chose not to have sex in our life. This is why I’m trying to become the leader of this nation, so I can save America from the Communist instrument of destruction, sex.

FWP Reporter: How do you think you were put here on Earth? Did your parents not have sex? Did they not reproduce?

Michele Bachmann: Honey, there is no proof of reproduction. God put us here, our parents are just children of God put on Earth to guide us.

FWP Reporter: Uh, okay. When did you decide to make this suit official?

Michele Bachmann: The next morning I called my attorney and told him about the incident.

FWP Reporter: Thank you Mrs Bachmann, good luck.

Michele Bachmann: {Shouting heard from Michelle’s location} MARCUS! Get the hell out of that closet! You’re always in that closet, when are you going to come out?

[Phone call abruptly ends]

We will be following this case closely for the next few weeks. Stay tuned for further developments.

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