The Pentagon Plans to Invade U.S. to Win the Hearts and Minds of the People

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Adm Mike Mullen in a news conference at the Pentagon has revealed a plan by the Joint Forces Command to invade the United States to win the hearts and the minds of the people as well as to put the indigenous people to work by building bridges, schools, hospitals and roads. The U.S. military has spent 10 yrs in Iraq and Afghanistan building infrastructure there, so it should work in a country like the United States. The Pentagon hopes locals will welcome the military as liberators and cooperate with mobilized forces. I asked Army Corps of Engineers, Colonel Mike English what the military hoped to achieve by invading the U.S.? “We’re hopeful that we can help the people of the United States rebuild their country and educate them on how to fend for themselves, farm,  produce products and how to repair crumbling infrastructure. We have experience in dealing with heavily armed populations in hostile environments and we firmly believe have the experience to work with these people. Our only concern is in the southern most region of the country where the people are heavily armed and fundamentalist in nature. We’re working with the Air Force to coordinate operations for dropping beer rations to the indigenous populations in the hopes it will pacify them. We’ve had similar experiences in the tribal regions of Afghanistan. We’re confident we can put local populations back to work, we’re even starting a guns for tools exchange program. Many in the international community are concerned that the only reason we’re invading the U.S. is because it has oil but that isn’t true. We’re aware that Texas has oil but we want to assure the people of Texas we’re not there to take their oil or guns away from them.”

The White House has said that they are against using taxpayers dollars to invade any oil-producing country even if it would help the local people. President Obama has issued the following statement, “ We’re firmly against invading any oil-producing country, but I have reached a deal with the Republicans in Congress that if they pass my jobs bill I’ll allow them to invade the United States and secure the oil-producing region of Texas from foreign attack by unknown forces. Congress has allowed the use of military construction battalions to be utilized to repair the American infrastructure under the defense budget as was done in Iraq and Afghanistan. I told the Republican House and Senate leaders I’m firmly against military intervention in the United States but we need to put those poor people back work in order to jump-start the American economy so I had no choice but submit to their demands in the interest of bi-partisanship.” When we asked which Republican House member introduced the bill to Congress, we were met with a baffling flurry of non-information. At this moment we are not aware of which Republican Congressmen was the author of the bill.  Republican House leaders are scrambling to find a House member who will put his name on the bill, we’ve yet to receive a reply from Speaker Boehner’s Office.


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