Suicide Hotline Holds Fundraiser for Bachmann Campaign

Birmingham, Alabama- The Bachmann campaign, which is struggling to raise cash has found an unlikely ally, a local suicide hotline. The suicide hotline is run by Evangelical Solutions, an evangelical outreach which shares values and comradeship with the Bachmann Campaign. I visited the call center where I met Tammy a chipper suicide prevention counselor and asked how such a seemingly odd partnership came to be and she explained, “We  love Michele Bachmann’s evangelical stance and her pro-life values. She’s such an inspiring figure for us, you won’t find a more Christian women holding public office and bless Mr. Bachmann for saving all those homosexual heathens from burning in hell, he’s such an angel. Despite our 20% success rate in saving those poor souls who call our hotline, we ask each and every one of them if they’d like to leave a donation to support her campaign, after all it’s not like you can take it with you.”  I questioned her on whether it was ethical to ask people in such a fragile mental state for a donation to political campaign and her reply was, “Well, sweetie it’s not like you can take it with you,right.”

I spoke to a Brad Richards who was counseled by the call center and who decided not to end his life. I asked Richards why he called and how it impacted his decision not to end his life. He replied, “Those people are absolutely nuts, at first I was I was depressed because I couldn’t find a job and I was about to be evicted from my apartment but when I called the hotline they asked me for a political donation for the Bachmann campaign, I thought it was a really bad joke but it wasn’t a joke at all, these people are just nuts. I was so damn furious that I completely forgot about killing myself and I just wanted to get even with these a-holes. I was so angry I didn’t sleep all night, I went on the computer and I found a job fund-raising for the Obama campaign, so I took it in a heart beat. What infuriated me the most was when they said I was going to burn in hell anyway so why not leave your loot to someone who gives a hoot. The experience gave me a new sense of purpose and meaning, I just want to live long enough to make to election day and get Obama re-elected in 2012, I feel a new sense of purpose now, defeat the greedy nut jobs ruining our country.”

I reached out to the Bachmann campaign but they declined any comment. I also tried to reach Dr. Marcus Bachmann for a comment but he was leading a “Pray Away the Gay” seminar at a very private retreat in San Francisco.

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