Destruction of Traditional Marriage Up 300%

On Tuesday Reverend Rick Warren of the Saddleback Church updated his Destruction of Traditional Marriage Tally (DTMT). The tally represents the number of heterosexual marriages that have been destroyed due to the legalization of same-sex marriage. Rev. Warren announced that his research has shown a 300% increase in the number of straight marriages destroyed in the United States since Massachusetts legalized same-sex marriage in 2004. Rev. Warren first presented his plans for the DTMT in 2005. He hoped that it would show how legalized same-sex marriage was destroying the foundation of traditional marriage that heterosexuals have worked so hard to protect. For seven years Rev. Warren was unable to find a single marriage that had been destroyed. But at his recent press conference he announced that he had now found evidence of three marriages that had ended or been put at-risk as a direct result of the marriage equality.

Rev. Warren’s first example of a wrecked marriage was a New York City couple named Will and Grace. After spending many years as friends the two had decided to marry in 2007 when it became clear that they were both much to neurotic to find any others who could tolerate them. Grace married Will knowing full well that he was gay, but secretly held out hope that their wedding night would be enough to turn him straight or at least butch him up a little. However, Will spent most of their wedding night up late dancing to ABBA and Gloria Gaynor and their marriage was never consummated. They managed to stay married for nearly 5 years because Grace liked being covered by Will’s health insurance plan. Last month it all came to an end when Will filed for divorce. Jack, a mutual friend, reported that with the legalization of same-sex marriage Will wanted to keep his options open.

The second reported case of a destroyed heterosexual marriage was also from New York City. Rev. Warren spoke about a young woman named Kelsey, whose plans for her wedding were nearly destroyed once marriage equality was signed into law. “I had not been opposed to gay marriage until it jeopardized my own.  My fiancé and I had just chosen a date for our wedding when the new law was passed. I had just started making my plans when I realized that there were going to be problems. The law wasn’t even going to take effect for a month, but all of a sudden the prime wedding spots were being reserved by gay couples. I had dreamed of a wedding in the Grand Ballroom of The Plaza Hotel since I was a little girl, but when I called they were all booked up for the date I wanted. Turns out it was a lesbian couple who had already reserved the ballroom. I then tried the St. Regis, but they were booked by a two men who had been together for over 40 years. I don’t mean to rude, but they have waited that long, why couldn’t they have waited another week or two? We ended up having to settle for the Waldorf Astoria, but it’s only a 4 star hotel. We did manage to get married, but this rocky start has me worried for our future.”

Rev. Warren’s third instance of an at-risk marriage is in Minnesota, where same-sex marriage is not legal.  “The specter of gay marriage is so pervasive that it has begun to destroy marriages all across the country.” In this instance the husband and wife are still married, but Rev. Warren is concerned that it may not last. He declined to provide specifics because the woman is a high-profile politician. “I am troubled that this traditional marriage may soon be destroyed now that this woman’s husband could move to another state and marry a man. He may appear to be happy in this marriage, but I think we all know that everything is not as it seems with this couple. When this marriage ends in divorce the only explanation will be legalized gay marriage. If it weren’t for these new laws in New York, Iowa and other states, this perfectly contented couple would stay together for years of unfulfilled marital bliss.”

Rev. Warren ended his press conference by making a request of the public,

“I am committed to using the Destruction of Traditional Marriage Tally to track the threat that marriage between homosexuals places on traditional marriages. I am constantly on the look-out for marriages that are being put at-risk. Please, let me know if you hear about any closeted young men or women who were planning on a traditional marriage, but then broke off their engagement because gay marriage was now a possibility. I will do my best to counsel those young people back into the closet, where god intended them to be.”

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