President and Republicans Reach Agreement to Avoid Class War

The White House and congressional Republicans released a joint statement Wednesday outlining the details of their ongoing budget negotiations. The statement read in part,

“In an effort to prevent a class war from breaking out in the United States we have agreed to instead facilitate the playing of the game Battleship between representatives of the Upper and Middle classes. Because of the rampant partisanship that has taken over our political discourse we now believe that decisions about taxation and spending can best be made by playing a children’s game.”

The statement goes on to outline the plans and rules that have been agreed upon for the match. Both class groups will choose a team of people to represent them and make the strategic decisions in the game. On behalf of the upper tax bracket the Republican leadership selected Donald Trump to lead their team. At a subsequent news conference Mr. Trump announced, “I have chosen the cartoon character Richie Rich as our mascot. I love Richie because he is just like me, we both love money and we both love gold.” At this time it is still uncertain as to who will lead the Team Middle Class. Senate and House Democrats have offered to appoint a representative, but many feel that the Democratic Party doesn’t truly speak for those in the middle and lower tax brackets. Independent Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont is a favorite of many. The selection of a leader for Team Middle Class has proven difficult since it is uncertain who has the authority to make the final decision. It is already clear that a lack of organization and well-defined leadership will hamper the Team Middle Class efforts going forward.

The match will be a best of seven series and will alternate between home and away games for both teams. A coin toss was set to determine where the first game would be played. However, when Team Middle Class was unable to produce a coin Team Ritchie Rich was granted home field advantage by default. Donald Trump then announced his selection of Trump National Golf Club in Briarcliff Manor New York. “My golf courses are the best in world. No one builds golf course like I do. And nowhere in the world better represents the opulence of the Team Richie Rich than Trump National.” Rules for the match state that whichever team wins four games will then be free to make all budgeting and taxing decisions for the United States for the next 30 years.

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