Drunken Rakshasa Does Surprisingly Well in First GOP Debate

While some Washington insiders suggested he would come off as too intellectual, especially speaking alongside the current crop of Republican contenders, Rakshasa “Pedro Schiklgruber’s” quick wit, superhuman consumption of alcohol, and devastating hind leg rake attacks quickly formed a humanizing bond with the audience at Monday’s GOP debate. The Rakshasa, who kicked off his bid for the nomination last Thursday, appears to have lain to rest questions about his viability as a candidate.

The evening, however, did not start as well as “Pedro’s” campaign would have liked. The initially sober, malevolent spirit of Hindu lore appeared ready to alienate himself from much of the Republican base when he referred to the ‘Voodoo Economics’ of the 1980s. He went on to draw several jeers from the crowd when he promised to employ actual voodoo to finally make Reaganomics more than just “some feeble-minded actor’s bizarre fantasy.” Recovering quickly from what most saw as a serious gaffe, the Rakshasa received near universal applause when he bared his teeth menacingly and chased Newt Gingrich off stage.

2nd Amendment advocates gave cautious praise to the Rakshasa’s stand on gun ownership, as the creature laughed heartily at the idea of gun control and claimed such “uncouth and primitive bang-sticks pose [him] no sleepless nights.” National Rifle Association members were less enthused, however, when candidate Schiklgruber followed up his answer with a masterful claw strike that disemboweled debate panel member and NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre.

EMTs on the scene agreed with political observers that the Rakshasa may have just catapulted himself to the head of the GOP pack, if only for the fact that frontrunner Mitt Romney’s injuries made him “unlikely to survive the night.”

A flabbergasted and blinded Ron Paul was far less impressed with the alcoholic killing machine’s performance. “He didn’t just claw out my eyes, I mean, he took my ideas, too… it’s just, it’s… look at what he said about the occupation of Iraq, I’ve been saying that for years, he practically copied what I’ve said word for word.”

Surviving physically unscathed but committing what a majority of onlookers described as political suicide, Michelle Bachmann created the most awkward moment of the evening when she offered herself physically to the Rakshasa. While her campaign later described the act as a mere survival tactic in the face of a murderous, drunken mythological monster, they refused to comment on the fact she made the offer at the start of the debate, before candidate Schiklgruber had become either drunk or violent.

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