Report: Owners Of Nice Cars Getting Uglier

An eight-year study co-authored by teams at Princeton and Harvard was released today, showing a surprising disconnect between the physical appearance of people and the cars they are currently occupying.

The study, attempting to draw a positive link between the price of an automobile and the attractiveness of the person driving it, in fact has apparently established the opposite.

“We’re at a loss to explain this,” said Harvard researcher Glenn Morrisette. “But, I guess when I think about it, god – there are a lot of ugly people in great looking cars these days.”

Working under the assumption that good-looking people tend to earn more money, marry rich, and get extra deals at car dealerships and life in general, the Princeton/Harvard joint effort conducted their research by photographing expensive-looking cars driving on city streets throughout North America. Using sophisticated image intensification software, the teams would then painstakingly examine the faces and upper torsos of the drivers, rating the individuals on qualities such as symmetry, youthful skin, full heads of hair, and number of chins. It was rare, says Morrisette, that a driver would receive a passing mark on even one of the metrics.

Possibly even more disturbing is that over the course of the eight years the looks of random, expensive car owners examined in the study have actually declined. “When we started this report, man, I thought the people back then were ugly,” stated lead Princeton researcher Everett McNally. “But compared to how these people look today, the ones back in 2004 were a total catch.”

The study concludes that if the current trend continues, by 2018 the average classic Mercedes owner will look like an even frumpier version of Paul Giamatti.

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