Rick Perry Redefines Public Service for the 21st Century

It was reported Friday by the Huffington Post that the firefighters and other first responders fighting the wild fires in Texas have been forced by budget cuts to actually cough up their own money for basic necessities from oxygen tanks to fuel, protective gear and even fire hoses.

In a press conference Saturday afternoon, Governor and Presidential front-runner Rick Perry explained that this is all part of his cunning plan to get back to basics. He noted that for many years now public school teachers all over America have been paying out of their own pockets for school supplies for their students. Perry opined that he’d, “like to think it’s out of utter shame for stickin’ it to the taxpayer for over-generous compensation packages.” He observed that this has been such a success, that he is in the process of instituting a government-wide program in Texas that will oblige all public servants dig deep and pick up the tab themselves for whatever it is they have been given the responsibility for doing.

Perry explained that it’s a step towards getting back to the Founding Father’s original intent with regard to government.

“You’ll know that the Foundin’ Daddies were all whatchercallit classical scholars. They read stuff in Latin and Greek and some even could puzzle out the Jewish translation of the Bible – although why they’d bother when there’s the original English version to read? That beats the heck outta me. Smart guys those Jews, but real dumb about anything other than making money.”

He commended Governor Walker in Wisconsin for making great strides in reining in the excesses of public workers, but Governor Perry outlined an even bolder vision for the future. In a stunning display of erudition that caught the assembled media in breathless surprise, Perry clarified that “It’s all about getting’ back to the original meanin’ of the term public servants. Most o’ you think that refers to the folk that take out the trash and clean up after us Elected Representatives. Not true. It comes from the Latin servus publicus and refers to the public slaves – workers who were actually owned by the Roman government.” Perry went on to explain that in the early days of the American government the word servus was mistranslated asservant – “and, well, then it all went to Hell in a hand-basket.”

Governor Perry allows that reinstating slavery will be a hard sell to a significant proportion of the American people – even with regard to universally reviled public workers such as kindergarten teachers and meter maids – and so he is prepared to move the nation in that direction in a series of bold steps “instead of in one fell swoop.”

This year he targeted the volunteer firefighters and first responders of Texas with a 75% cut in state funding. Next year, for example, he plans on insisting that state and local police in Texas pick up the tab for their operating expenses. “Asset forfeiture has has been a huge success for the DEA, so we gonna expand it ‘cross the board.” Currently, if a person is convicted of drug dealing or terrorism the government can and does confiscate assets it believes are the proceeds of or used during the commission of those crimes. Perry’s bold vision is as novel as it is wide-ranging. “Here’s an example of how it’s gonna work: you get caught speedin’? Not only do you get hit with a big fine, we confiscate your vehicle and auction it off. Any crime, even misdemeanors will result in something valuable being confiscated. We’re even looking into auctionin’ off the homes of people who don’t keep their lawns properly watered during the summer – it being a public nuisance and all.”

It was at this point in the press conference when it was interrupted by a group of irate volunteer firemen. Fortunately they were all tazed, handcuffed and removed from the room by the State Police and Governor Perry was able to get to his golfing date with lobbyists from the Corrections Corporation of America without further incident.


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