Drunken Rakshasa Announces Bid For GOP Nomination

The Rakshasa, working on his third bottle of wine.

In a move today that shocked both political pundits and theologians alike, an inebriated, tiger-like shapeshifter announced his intentions to become the Republican nominee for president.

Slurring his speech and repeatedly trying to look down the blouse of one female reporter seated in the front row, the intoxicated mythological trickster released very few personal details to the press, calling questions about his exact identity ‘Liberal gotcha-style journalism’ designed to trick him into revealing his True Name. He did however note that he would be appearing on ballots as Senor Pedro Schiklgruber, an apparent attempt to simultaneously court the Mexican immigrant vote as well as the founding members of the Tea Party.

Asked about his overall health, the Rakshasa grudgingly admitted he weighs approximately two thousand pounds – though he insisted it was ‘mostly muscle.’ When a journalist in the crowd joked that the rest of the Republican candidates together weigh less than that, the mischievous, magical feline received a few laughs when he commented that was “only because Mike Huckabee has decided not to run.” Some felt he crossed the line seconds later, however, when he went on to note that Governor Huckabee’s entire family was ‘grotesquely overweight.’

Citing what he referred to as Obama’s failed policies and blunt, ineffectual teeth, candidate “Pedro” went on what some described as a rambling, though highly detailed, hour-long explanation of what a President Schiklgruber administration would look like.

“There’d be lower taxes… I can tell you that much,” spouted the massive creature, sweeping his paws in a grandiose gesture and momentarily losing his balance. “Also – no more abortions… ‘cause… [inaudible] babies… taste better when they’ve been fully… incubated.”

When asked if being a mystical creature born several thousand years before America was discovered should disqualify him from becoming president, the now visibly irritated and sleepy man-cat responded that such questions were inherently biased.

“No one said sh*t… when that f**king werebear became King of Sweden a couple years ago… but a cat wants to become president, now you libs in the media gotta problem with it…”

GOP nominee “Pedro Schiklgruber” passed out seconds later and was carried away by his political handlers.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
This article was written by on at . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

facebook comments:

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.